Think about these different sentences. I love to eat french fries. I love how I feel when I’m on the beach in Cancun. I love my kids. I love the work I do.

All four of these statements are true for me, but the word “love” in each one describes a very different experience. In the first, it means I enjoy having french fries inside my mouth, the way they taste and then swallowing them down. Sentence number two describes a subjective experience of pleasure aroused by my environment. The third sentence applies to emotions I have about other people, while the fourth applies to a value or ideal that I hold.

At first blush, it would seem these experiences or feeling states are so diverse that to use the word “love” for
all of them is absurd. Does it make any sense to use the same verb to describe how you feel towards your children as well as your favorite food? In most cases, those experiences are entirely different; but in truth, there are varieties of love where the feeling someone has for another person isn’t so different from “loving” french fries.

Some people in love want to consume the other person. You know the type of — obsessed or extremely possessive individuals. For these people, love means taking ownership of the one they love and devouring them.

I think this is the earliest form of love, and most of us can understand it on an unconscious level. Think about the way we respond small babies. “You are so adorable, I just want to eat you all up!” Ever heard a grownup say that? The “love” newborns feel for their mothers is of the same order. At least in the beginning, babies regard their mothers as something to be eaten from, and not as separate people who have their own emotions and wishes.

If we grow up emotionally and not just physically, we will come to understand separateness and care about the people in our lives. We will learn to love them as distinct people with needs and desires of their own, and not simply because of the way they make us feel. At moments, we will even learn to put their feelings ahead of our own, although many people never become capable of this kind of love.

Consider your primary relationships. Can you see your father as “John”, a man who never achieved his dreams, and not simply as Dad who didn’t spend enough time with you? How about your mother? Is she only Mom who always criticizes you, or can you also see her as Mary who wanted so badly to go to college. Are you able to put aside your own feelings and empathize with their suffering as completely separate people?

Think about your former romantic relationships, too. If there’s a long list of people you used to feel passionate about but now hate, maybe those people were more like lying on the beach in Cancun for you — what you “love” about them was how they made you feel.

And then there’s your children, if you have them. The reasons why some parents feel the need to dictate all the decisions their kids make and control what they do is because they want to feel like a successful parent. “If you become a surgeon, then I’ll feel good about myself as a parent.”

How different is that really from “loving” french fries?

Joseph Burgo PhD is a therapist who writes a blog called After Psychotherapy, for individuals who want to continue to grow and learn more about their relationships after psychotherapy ends.